Confessions

confessions of a friendless 20-something

There are 2 major blog rules out in the world and I’m breaking both of them.

1. Don’t mislead readers with your post titles.

2. If you’re a DIY/Fashion/Beauty blogger, leave your personal life out of the mix.

—–

I’m breaking those rules for a couple of reasons.

First, my mom told me to. Maybe she’s secretly wanting me to quit sulking and write my feelings out, but maybe she knows I’ll be able to move past these hurdles when I vocalize them. I think it’s the latter.

Secondly, this is really me. All of it. The tutorials, the silly stories, the easy recipes, the emotions. Oh, the emotions.

—–

Here’s the deal (long story short)…

In August, I went through a breakup that is still rocking my world. I’m really trying to get over it, and some days I feel so strong and fierce and okay, but other days I don’t. At all. Maybe I’ll blog about that sometime, but I just don’t think I can handle it very well right now. I was (and still am) kind of  in love with him… or maybe it’s just the idea of him.

After the breakup came the normal life reassessment, and I feel like that was a really good thing. I noticed that my friendships were overtaking my everything. It’s not because of the friends themselves; they really are amazing people. But I was choosing friendship over work, family, and God. And that’s just not right.

So I did something drastic. I’m not saying it’s the best or only option, and I have had people that I really care about express concern and disappointment over my choice.

But I decided to stop going to church. Not because I was questioning God or because I don’t like the people there. I simply was not mature enough to handle a spiritual and social life at the same time, and I felt like this was the only way to put myself back on the proper track.

I still did my own Bible studies at home and I spent a lot more time with my family and I got a new job, so I was feeling pretty good about things. It’s not that I didn’t (or don’t) have friends, it’s just that I was (and am) choosing not to spend time with peers in social settings right now. And sometimes church became more social to me that it should ever have been. I had waaay more good days than bad, not that the bad/sad days weren’t there, but I was starting to feel more confident in my life.

Something about spending time with friends made me feel discontent in my direction and purpose – and the only way I knew to fix that was to take a break from the friendships.

—–

Today was the first day I decided to go back to church. And I can’t decide whether that was the right thing to do or not.

I already told you about the guy (he wasn’t there today), but I haven’t told you about the friend. THE friend.

She and I have known one another our whole lives through, and I count her as my closest friend. She does some dumb stuff, and so do I, but we’ve never been angry with one another for more than a few hours. I was looking forward to seeing her today, but I still had some reservations because:

a) the last time we talked (through text, actually) I didn’t get the feeling she supported me and the way I was changing direction,

b) I found out through my mom that she is now in a relationship. I won’t go into detail because I haven’t asked her to blog about it, but we have had many conversations about this guy and I didn’t see this coming.

—–

I walked into church today and sat with my family. I did my best not to look around at everyone because I knew that it would move my mind the wrong direction. But – partway through the service, I looked to my left, and there she was. With her guy. She looked away sharply when I looked her direction, and she had this look of utter disdain on her face. It totally broke my heart.

As much as I tried to keep my eyes on the pastor, I did glance that way a few times and she never made eye contact with me, although he did. I was hoping to catch her after the service and just say hi, but they ran out of there like they were on a mission.

It sounds like middle school, I know, but I have never once considered that she would be angry like this. Or maybe she thinks I’m judging her. Which just isn’t true since I don’t know her situation. And I miss her. Like heck.

I want to call her and tell her that I care and that I wish I could talk to her and that I’m happy for her and hope he’s treating her well and that I know she doesn’t understand why I’m making the choice I am, but that I still want her in my life, I just need her to stick around for me.

But I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do.

—–

So, yes, I guess I am “friendless” by choice. I wish it wasn’t this way, and it breaks my heart anew every day. But I know I need to focus on contentment in my own life before I add other people into it.

Man, I really want to go shopping with my mom. Somehow that seems like it would make the bleeding stop.

—–

-D

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